Caveman Home Companion

My “Man” Friday the Raccoon

 

Yesterday was Friday the 13th. I wasn’t superstitious before yesterday and I’m not today. However, the next time that day rolls around I might just stay in bed.

“Anything I can get for you while I’m out hon?”

“Nope. You and Bev have a nice lunch. Be careful though, today is Friday the 13th.”

“That’s a myth”.

“Last September the Concordia sank on Friday the 13th. All I’m saying is be carefull.”

Michele rolls her eyes, “If anyone around here needs to be careful, it’s you.”

“Honey, I’m just going to do some research on French lilacs, specifically Galega officinalis. After that I’m going to have a glass of Merlot on the deck. What could possibly go wrong?”

Michele leaves and the house is still. As much as I love companionship, I equally love peace and quiet. Especially when I’m doing research, and this research is of particular interest to me. I may have stumbled across an herbal remedy for prostate cancer.

I’m experimenting on myself and so far the results are encouraging. I used to have to get up every hour and a half to two hours to go to the bathroom. It was exhausting. Now, after three days of my herbal treatment, I can sleep through the night. This isn’t a cure yet, but it sure is an improvement for me.

WOW! It’s noon and I can hear a bottle of wine calling my name. I can also hear something… rapping… rapping…rapping at my chamber door. Hmmmm? The wind? I doubt it…I better check.

A raccoon about the size of a small dog knocking on my back door.

“Hey! You guys are supposed to be sleeping in the daytime?”

He cocked his head, studied me for a minute and then slowly walked across the deck. He sat down in the sun, stretched out his legs and started grooming himself. It actually looked a lot like a cat grooming itself. This sure isn’t what I had planned for today.

I grabbed a broom and banged it on the deck!

“Hey! Back in the woods! This is my deck!”

He ran to the edge of the deck, assumed  a defensive posture, and was obviously ready to stand his ground.

Not to be deterred, I grabbed the hose. With about a gazillion psi of water pressure  I blasted that sucker right off the deck. Victory was mine.

Ain’t no raccoon gonna push me around. I went back inside, opened up a bottle of Merlot, poured a glass… and ….what the heck? I looked out  the kitchen window to see him attacking the broom I left standing up against the wall. Geeze! He bit the bejeezus out of the broom and then drug it down the steps and under the deck. Then he walked over to the hose, bit the nozzle and gave it a few shakes. Then he walked up to the kitchen window, gave me a look, and then over to my chair and sat down under it.

This guy sure made quite a statement.

I called the cops.

“911… what’s your emergency?”

“A raccoon bit my hose and drug my broom under the deck.”

“Sir…have you been drinking?”

“Not yet. Maybe I need an animal control officer?”

“Sir, is the raccoon on private property? If it’s on private property you have to call a professional animal trapper.”

“Thanks. I think I saw one on the Science Channel the other night. I’ll try him.”

I Googled it. Sure enough, somewhere right below “Dog The Bounty Hunter” I found a listing for professional raccoon trappers. I’m ready for professional help.

“Hello, I have a raccoon problem.”

“Thanks for calling. Don’t worry, we can help.”

“Cool. How much to get this guy relocated?”

“$159 to set up the trap and $69 for each animal we catch.”

“Each animal? How many do you think there are? I only see one?”

“Lets see….you live in Oakland County? The raccoon population is estimated at just under one million. Of course, we can’t catch them all. <sweet smile> By the way, do you have any liens on your house?”

The next call I made was to Jean’s Hardware. They rent raccoon traps for $10/day or $20/week, or you can buy one for $78. I’m all in.

I rented the trap for 10 bucks, threw in a can of sardines for bait and had the little bugger under wraps in less than 20 minutes. I relocated him in a nicer subdivision with a stream and a few nice vacant forclosed homes. It’s all good.

“Hi honey, I’m home! How was your day?”

“It was good. Just did some research. You’re right… Friday the 13th is a myth.”