Ed: Chapter 2 part 2

This Doesn't Look Like Warfare

This Doesn’t Look Like Warfare


She is right here in my sink? The only thing in my sink is 5 empty beer cans, some lettuce and one of Dr. Bob’s radishes. Specifically, one of Bob’s “bionic” radishes.  Can’t be. There is no way on God’s green Earth that my first internet date is a radish, bionic or otherwise. Someone’s messing with me.


This would be a date I couldn’t even take to the White Rock. They don’t have a salad bar. Yeah. Someone is messing with me. That’s ok. I’ll just play along until I figure out who this jerk is and take it from there. Maybe it’s a bored woman with a twisted sense of humor? I’ve always done pretty good with bored women. Let’s just see how this goes.


“I’m kind of new to this internet dating thing. I thought most women usually wanted to meet in a neutral, public place. Doesn’t it concern you to meet me for the first time in my sink?”


Ha! Let’s see how she responds to that! Wow. She’s already responded. This babe can type as fast as she can think, and she is a pretty quick thinker. Well, let’s see what she has to say.


“This isn’t our first meeting. You picked me up at your friend’s house. I am Ed.”


“Your name is Ed?”


“No. I am Ed. Or at least, I was Ed.”


Her name is Ed?  Tell me, what could be worse than your first internet date being a radish? Oh, I know. How about it being a guy radish named Ed? Oh wait, she says she used to be Ed. So it gets worse. I’m now involved with a transgender radish? I’m pretty liberal but I think this is where I draw the line.


“You have totally lost me here.”


“Think of a grid with an X and a Y axis. I am, or was, row”E” plant “d”. It’s clear for you now?”


Clear? X and Y axis? The only thing clear to me is that this internet dating stuff is a bunch of crap.


“I’ll just call you Ed. So now what? I make a salad?”


“I would prefer you put me in a glass of water, get yourself another one of those yeast products you seem to be so fond of, and we talk.”


Bob said he can’t figure out what his little radish experiment did? I can tell him. It screwed up my social life and created a new drinking buddy for me.


“Just plain water? How about a shot of Miracle Grow or something? You know, live it up a little. After all, it is Friday night.”


”Ummm…if it’s not too much trouble. That might be nice. “


I shouldn’t have asked. Where do I keep the Miracle Grow? If I have any it might be somewhere out there in the garage. I’ll just put in a teaspoon of sugar.


“There you go. I hope this glass is big enough. I was out of Miracle Grow, so I made you the house special. What do you think?”


“It’s actually quite…refreshing. You serve this every Friday night?”


“Only when I have special guests.”


Now that I think of it, this little guy’s already smarter than most of the people I talk to on the lot. And you have to admit, he/she is a pretty cheap date. I’ve had worse Friday nights.


“So, Ed, what would you like to talk about?”


“Let’s see, oh I remember, your species is marked for extinction.  You wouldn’t happen to have another one of those House Specials would you?”


(To be continued)



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